Yell at Your Kids Too Much?

1/22/2008
Very Cold, raining, a little sunshine in the late afternoon

Articles is forwarded from Parenting

Yell at Your Kids Too Much?

What's okay, what's not, plus how to get a grip

Unless you're beyond human, you WILL raise your voice at your child sometime. In fact, the occasional outburst puts you right in the mainstream: In a recent study, 88 percent of parents say they've shouted or screamed at their kids in the previous year, and the figure shoots up to 98 percent of parents with 7-year-olds (which any mom of a 7-year-old can understand). Another study shows that 56 percent of moms of 4-year-olds yell at their kids in anger at least once or twice a week. Even so, how's a parent to know whether her anger's doing damage? And if you're losing constant control, how can you make yourself stop?

Three degrees of yelling ►
Among the moms we spoke to, three degrees of yelling emerged:
?Warning or prevention yelling: the most acceptable form, used to stop a child from doing something like running toward a busy street or touching the burner on a stove
?Compliance yelling: the most common degree, brought on by kids who don't do what you want, even when they've been asked several times, or who somehow frustrate or defy their beleaguered parents
?Beyond-the-pale yelling: when you've crossed not only the sound barrier, but the proverbial line -- saying things you later wish you hadn't

The upside of anger ►
Yelling at your child in the first two degrees may be almost unavoidable, since anger and frustration are such natural emotions. What's more, occasional yelling, if done constructively, may do some good: Kids learn that it's normal, and how to deal with it. A frustrated yelp every now and then also lets kids know that you, like any human on the planet, have limits. Then there's the sad fact that sometimes an increase in parental volume just plain old works, setting a misbehaving child back on the straight and narrow. But for yelling to have any positive effect whatsoever, it can't become routine. If kids get used to yelling, it won't have the power to grab their attention or put them on notice.

Anger in the third degree ►
Yelling at your child in the first two degrees may be almost unavoidable, since anger and frustration are such natural emotions. What's more, occasional yelling, if done constructively, may do some good: Kids learn that it's normal, and how to deal with it. A frustrated yelp every now and then also lets kids know that you, like any human on the planet, have limits. Then there's the sad fact that sometimes an increase in parental volume just plain old works, setting a misbehaving child back on the straight and narrow. But for yelling to have any positive effect whatsoever, it can't become routine. If kids get used to yelling, it won't have the power to grab their attention or put them on notice.

Anger in the third degree ►
It's the third degree of yelling that's most problematic. Few parents will admit to such withering outbursts as "Just shut up!" but many of us still slip further than we'd like. The few times, Terri, a mom of three from Mount Pleasant, S.C., crossed the line, she knew it: "I'm clenching my fists, I'm rigid and shaking and probably bug-eyed. My kids look so surprised and scared. It breaks my heart." Research shows when someone is yelled at, adrenaline and other stress hormones rise -- and being in a constant state of high alert can affect brain development. Parental yelling can also create a vicious cycle, where kids respond with tantrums or clinginess. The harm the yelling does depends in great part on your child's sensitivity. One child may seem almost impervious, while another is much more fragile.

How guilty are you? ►
Yelling should be looked at in context. "There's a difference between intensity that's full of anger and is hurtful," says Mary Sheedy Kurcinka, author of KIDS, PARENTS AND POWER STRUGGLES, "and intensity that's full of passion and strong emotion. That kind of intensity can be laughed about afterward, but not feared." While yelling may not be the worst parental sin, most of us can't stop beating ourselves up after losing our cool. "I can't bear thinking anyone would hurt one of my kids, but to know I did it really makes me feel awful," says Beverly, a Texan mom of two. Much of the guilt and grief comes from the gap between how we thought we'd be as parents and the fact that we sometimes react like the imperfect beings that we are.

Easy ways to get a grip ►
Fortunately, there are ways to keep yourself from going into the anger orbit. If you're particularly tired or frayed, scale back your plans for the day. If you start to lose it, remove yourself from the situation and take a "Mommy time-out." And if you feel a bad day brewing, give your kids a heads-up: Bringing them into the loop can help them not take the yelling personally. Correcting a lifelong habit, however, is not an instantaneous process. "You need to give yourself time for learning," says Kurcinka. In the meantime, there's always the sincere apology. Saying "I'm sorry" doesn't make it okay to yell -- you still need to tackle your problem -- but it does go a long way toward softening the stomach punch of harsh words. And it shows that even Mom and Dad need to take responsibility for their actions.